The Peaceful and Just revision page #166
Here are the recent revisions I have made to the first book in The Peaceful, Brave, and Just.
First, I took my prologue and extended it into a short chapter that explains more clearly what the empties are and about the split between East and West, Tarlan and Morea, the Teilarata and the Ars Memoriae. The Teilarata are in the West, which is called Tarlan. They have renounced science, and they are the more powerful of the two factions that rule in Malvada. They control two wards, Arlat, the ward of genetics, and Birrigat, the ward of time, but these wards are isolated and the Teilarata seek to keep people out of them. The Ars Memoriae, believers in science, control the East, which is called Morea. They control one ward, Chalcis, and have built their main city, Algodon, around it, where they prepare for the return of the pallbearers. I also tried to be more clear about the identity of the pallbearers, those who were responsible for the destruction of the Earth, and who then left it after building the wards.
Second, I revised chapter thirteen, Kapala. This is the chapter where the companions use the empties that Niisteen has built to travel to his ward, Los Lewr, the ward of matter. This chapter started out well, and my editor claimed that she could “see” it better than what came before. However, that was only true at the beginning of the chapter. By the end, that “seeing” disappeared for her, meaning that I had lost the thread of what was going on and needed to clarify the story to keep the reader involved. So I tried to do that. Part of the dilemma is the character of Niisteen is outside of the story I have told already. He is the closest connection to the pallbearers, and to us, or the reader. He is a scientist, and has separated himself from the conflict between the Ars Memoriae and the Teilarata. He knows more about the pallbearers and what happened to the empties that made them leave the Earth. Therefore, he knows more about the world than the companions, and things they think of as myth he understands as science. This is a hard bridge to gap. Also, I have two major problems that I see with the story. One of those is the way that Mesopotamia Wrath sells out my main characters to Darshan Marat, nearly getting them all killed, but then they still continue to travel with her. So I tried to add a little more clarity to that, or at least show that my companions were still angry with her for her betrayal. The second problem also involves her, and it is when Niisteen says he needs a woman to stay with him in Los Lewr to continue his line. The two choices are Ullane, who doesn’t want to, and Mesopotamia Wrath, who surprises them all by agreeing to marry Niisteen. Now this solves my problem of what to do with her, but I have to be careful to make it believable, rather than just convenient for me as the writer. I don’t want the reader to think it was just a means to an end. The relationship between Mesopotamia Wrath and Niisteen will have repurcussions down the road, especially in book three, The Prosperous and Malevolent.
I hope my revisions made book one better. I still have four chapters to go, but I am on the downhill with this one. It has taken me away from the revision of book two, The Silent and Brave, for too long, but I also learned some really important things. I learned the identity of the vallain of Chalcis, Jehanne, and learned her motivation. I also learned that she is the one who goes to the past to try to collect Riika and Heli, the divinators in book two. Da’ai Timon, the vallain of Birrigat, saves them from her. This was a major stumbling block in book two that I have mentioned before, and knowing more about that dynamic and the reasons for it is going to help me mightily when I return to that revision. I hope to have both books done by the end of the month, so that I can start writing book three in Hawaii, but that might be asking a lot of myself. We shall see. I am looking forward to creating from scratch again, rather than trying to fix the recipes I have already made, but it is all part of the process, and it is all getting better all the time.
I’m going to send out two more queries today or tomorrow. I think the new chapter one is a good one to have, because it acts as an introduction to the world of Malvada and its differences, and it is part of what an agent will read when they read my queries, so maybe, just maybe, it will pique the interest of someone somewhere in the world who will give me a shot with this thing. I can’t wait!